I turned 30 last week. I like to think I'm a pretty smart person, but there are a few things I definitely thought I'd have figured out by now. . .

Things I Thought I Would Know By Now

The amount of time any food should be microwaved for. I just set the time for what seems like too long, then take it out when I hear popping noises.

How to crochet, apparently. Every few years since I was 15, I say I want to learn how to crochet and go out and buy, like, $30 worth of yarn and needles. I don't know how to crochet and haven't gone through a trying-to-learn phase for a few years now, so perhaps I've come to terms with my limited craftiness. I mostly just liked picking out the yarns anyway.

How to take a compliment. I didn't grow up in a braggy family. If you tell me I look pretty, I'm probably gonna say, "thanks - it's makeup (or Spanx or deceptive lighting. . .)." This may not be empowering or conducive to high self-esteem, but I'm ok with that. I'd rather be the person who makes everyone laugh by saying "I may look decent now, but you should have seen me before . . " and launches into a story about streaky self-tanner or wonky false eyelashes than the graceful, put-together person who says "thank you" and smiles graciously (actually, that lady sounds nice; maybe I would like to be her one day).

How to care less about things, be less emotional. I think it's an important and attractive quality when people don't need validation from others. But, uhh, we are humans, on a planet, and we do need validation from others. Whenever people, both supportively or accusatorially, ask me or others, "why do you care what other people think anyway?" so many answers run through my head: I don't know, I just do; because I'm a person who lives in a society; because when I tripped I think my skirt came up and I need to know the exact number of people who were in that room so that when I replay the moment over and over again in my head for the rest of my life I will have set the scene accurately. . . So, I do wish I cared less what people thought of me, but when people say they don't care, it makes me wonder what they do care about. Interactions with others are what makes up life, so it's just common sense to be concerned with how others see you. I guess the ideal is to only be concerned with meaningful interactions and to know the people whose opinions you should care about are the people who care about you.

Things I'm Pretty Sure About

That girls and women unnecessarily add modifiers to declarative statements; this was originally titled "Things I Know."

Know how to do things for yourself. Or at least how to contact the right professional. I live in a state with windy roads, crappy roads, mountains, hollers, and spotty cell coverage, and haven't found a place yet AAA can't get to you, eventually. But if you chose the second route and do the contact-a-professional-thing instead of taking care of a problem entirely on your own, don't be offended at the tone of voice used by said professional as he is telling you, for example, "Ma'am, are you aware you're parked on a hill? Have you gotten gas recently?" when you call to have your car jumped because it "broke down."

Don't text and drive. I definitely don't think I'm better than anyone who does (because that would be almost everyone - almost everyone texts while they drive), I'm just not coordinated enough to do it - and we're all safer for that.

Be nice to people. Whether you know them or not. As quotes set to moody stock photography posted on social media tell me: everyone is fighting their own battle. And they are. You hear people say things like "everyone should be required by law to wait tables (or work retail, etc.) at some point in their life so they learn to tip well (or say please and thank-you or what have you)". Fortunately, I like to believe I was raised to know this; unfortunately, I dropped out of college several times and thus have years of experience in service industry jobs. There are some people for whom the customer service industry is a calling and they are great at it. I like helping people, but there are only so many Christmas seasons working a Macy's perfume counter an average person (and her olfactory system) can take. You shouldn't have to have once worked in every patience-testing service profession to know how to treat people. Just do that Golden Rule thing they teach you in kindergarten. Besides, there's a little secret service industry veterans and nice people are in on: if you show a little respect and courtesy to the people in those jobs, you'll find that a whole new world of free drinks, extra breadsticks, and seat upgrades may await.

I just realized there are two Tina Fey-related quotes on here, so I better round that out.

Here's to learning tons more stuff in the coming years - or at least how to heat up leftovers.